I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
