only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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