I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
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