I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
