like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Randomize
