On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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