girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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