i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
