my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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