My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
