I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Randomize
