I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
