There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize