My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize