Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Let the clothes fall where they may.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
