she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
