I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
