Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
