New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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