You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
