Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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