I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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