you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
