I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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