Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
