I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
