I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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