first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
