I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Randomize