So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
