Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Randomize
