My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
