put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
