I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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