So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize