We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
