i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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