Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
