Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
