I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
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