She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
