My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize