I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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