There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
