And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
