I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
