I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
