I wish life had little blips of pornography
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
