I hate all girls vehemently.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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