My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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