I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
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