i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
