Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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