He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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