is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
