Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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