I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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