Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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