I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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