it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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