Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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