I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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