and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
