you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
